[76701,300] FLTFUN.THD 19-Nov-88 7108 Accesses: 169 Title : Flite-funnies from the Avsig message boards. Keywords: FUNNIES AVSIG MESSAGES AIRLINE HUMOR A collection of "Flight Funnies" recently captured from the AVSIG Message board. Who said Airline crews don't have a sense of humor? This is an ASCII file and can be REAd on-line and captured or DOWnloaded. Enjoy! Press for next or type CHOICES !read Fm: Orville Fudpucker (F26) 70130,372 To: All Copied over from Tapcis: A message from Tom Rawson to "Harold Bender" On my recent flight to California on United the stewardess was quite a card. Not much was standard airline phrasing: "We are now going to show you a safety video. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways to leave a 767, so pay attention." "We don't know what they do if they catch you smoking in the lavatories, but we're *sure* it's not pleasant." "Please be sure that your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position, and that all carry-on baggage is stowed under the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. This does not include small children." "Now, wasn't that a totally *awesome* landing. Welcome to la-la land." "While we taxi to the gate, let me explain the latest olympic event, the Jetway Sprint. To win, you must clamber over the other passengers, being as rude as possible, and force your way to the jetway door before anyone else. However if you unbuckle your seatbelt before the plane comes to a *complete* stop at the gate and the captain has turned off the seatbelt sign, you will be disqualified and will have to return to your seat and wait for all other passengers to leave the plane." (It worked, no one got up before we stopped). The first one was the best though. ... Tom Fm: Doug Kaye [N of SFO] 75156,2415 To: Orville Fudpucker (F26) 70130,372 (X) PSA (rest their souls on board) was the real champion of Flight Funnies. I wish I had a written copy of some of the speeches by their flight attendants. I can remember quips like: "If you are seated next to a small child, or next to someone who just acts like one, place the mask first over your mouth..." "...place you tray tables and seatbacks in their full upright and least comfortable position..." That's barely the tip of the iceberg. On a typical SFO-LAX flight, they had people rolling in the isles even before pushback. 'Twas a sad day for pax entertainment when US Air bought out PSA and made them stop this foolishness. They even went so far as to order the smils removed from the noses of the airplanes! ...doug If anyone knows an old-time PSA flight attendant, it would be worth getting a written version of the whole FAA pitch. Fm: Mike Mellinger [SUS/STL] 76274,23 To: Doug Kaye [N of SFO] 75156,2415 (X) I think the Captain must, in some cases, encourage this foolishness also. I was on a United flight a couple of years ago out of ORD. IT was a 737 and the Captain refused the airplane. And did so by walking out into the waiting lounge and telling the assembled pax that there was no way HE was flying that plane in its condition. It worked--UAL found another 737. Anyway, I should have known we were in for it. They announced everything quoted in this thread, plus several more. To this day, I wish I'd have taken notes. But I'll bet the airline group here can give you a long list of the jokes. Mike Fm: Dale Lewallen (LGB CA) 76117,2343 To: Doug Kaye [N of SFO] 75156,2415 (X) Doug, Here, Here! RE: PSA flight funnies.. My favorite: "In the event of a sudden lose of cabin pressure, place the bag first on your face, than assist your children.. if you want to." Regards, Dale Fm: Orville Fudpucker (F26) 70130,372 To: Doug Kaye [N of SFO] 75156,2415 (X) PSA was a fine airline. I remember feeling that if you couldn't fly AA, PSA or do it yourself, the trip wasn't worth it. Have some sentimential connection to the SMILE on the airplane. An Uncle of Fuds II & Fud III & Fudette I invented it. He was a young passenger and messing with the plastic "wings" given to kids and noted that the addition of the mouth made a nice smiley face. His dad took it to the airline and they did it! So the story goes in the left coast branch of the Fudpucker clan. Orville Fm: Peter Schulz [CRQ] 70216,174 To: Doug Kaye [N of SFO] 75156,2415 (X) Twas a sad day indeed! I loved them 'smiley' planes! Peter Fm: Alan Bose 76703,3044 To: Orville Fudpucker (F26) 70130,372 (X) One of my favorite stewardesses was the one with a name badge on her blazer identifying her as: O. Miss Well, that's what everyone called her! Fm: Scott Dunham [SFO-ish] 71541,1276 To: Orville Fudpucker (F26) 70130,372 (X) After USAir bought PSA and announced the smiles were history, but before they actually merged ops, a USAir 727 broke down in San Diego and had to spend the night in the PSA hangar for repairs. When it emerged in the morning for the return to Pittsburgh, it was sporting a very nice new PSA smile... (Insouciance reigns...) Fm: Scott Dunham [SFO-ish] 71541,1276 To: Mike Mellinger [SUS/STL] 76274,23 (X) My father recalls one of PSA's captains who used to board the aircraft via the aft airstair and walk to the cockpit with a large book titled "How to Fly the Boeing 727" under his arm in full view of the passengers. The same guy would then leave the PA hot and treat the pax to a cockpit routine that began with, "Hey... do you remember how to start this thing?" Fm: Scott Dunham [SFO-ish] 71541,1276 To: Dale Lewallen (LGB CA) 76117,2343 Then there's the ever popular, "If you enjoyed your flight today, remember it was PSA 1717. If not, it was United 445." Also, for late flights: "Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to apologize for the delay in leaving the gate this morning. The machine that smashes your baggage is broken, so the ground crew is having to smash it by hand." Fm: John Liebson 76011,1445 To: Orville Fudpucker (F26) 70130,372 (X) "Was a fine airline" is certainly true, it *was fine--but no longer, it is now a clone of Agony Airways, the line that LIKES to show you how bad flying can be. Fm: John Liebson 76011,1445 To: Alan Bose 76703,3044 Had a delightful flight attendant on AA recently, who wore a big "STAFF" button on her uniform. Fm: Marty Krutolow[TEB] 71131,531 To: Scott Dunham [SFO-ish] 71541,1276 (X) Just heard this guy on TV. Said they were on a plan and the first announcement started with the familiar, "Ladies and gentleman, there will be a slight delay. If you would like to stretch your legs in the passenger lounge ...." Well, Ray Charles was on the a/c and the captain asked him if he would like to stretch his legs. He replied "No, but I would appreciate it if you could take my dog for a short walk." The captain obliged. It took 5 hours to get the passengers back on the plane after seeing him walk through the passenger lounge with sunglasses and a seeing eye dog. BTW, has anyone seen the new General Aviation commercial on TV. We've come a long way, baby. Marty Fm: Marty Krutolow[TEB] 71131,531 To: Scott Dunham [SFO-ish] 71541,1276 (X) Heard on Eastern... "Ladies and Gents, welcome to Frankie's Flying Service"