Article: 2147 of rec.aviation.military
Path: lupine!uupsi!psinntp!uunet!gatekeeper.us.oracle.com!decwrl!ames!eos!greg
From: greg@eos.arc.nasa.gov (Greg Pisanich)
Newsgroups: rec.aviation.military
Subject: summary of helicopter jokes
Keywords: jokes
Message-ID: <1993May5.214657.15890@eos.arc.nasa.gov>
Date: 5 May 93 21:46:57 GMT
Distribution: usa
Organization: NASA Ames Research Center
Lines: 140


Thanks to all who wrote in and submitted helicopter jokes.  (You know who you are!)  Believe it or not, there were very few duplicates

The following is a compendium of those jokes.   Enjoy.  

Greg Pisanich
greg@eos.arc.nasa.gov


A Classic:
The basic difference between and airplane and a helicopter is that an
airplane *wants* to fly.
(Craig)


Ugly Jokes: 
Helicopters don't really fly. They're so ugly the earth repels them.
(Craig)(Galen)

"Nothing in the world looks more unfinished than a helicopter."
(Rao) 

Beat Me:
Helicopters don't fly, they beat the air into submission
(Gerry)(Paul)


The infamous Jesus Nut:
	As you know, there is a bolt in the rotor assembly that is
quite critical.  It holds the rotor onto the shaft.  In a fit of
wisdom, it was termed the "Jesus bolt."  The apparent reasoning
was that only the good grace of the Savior kept it from failing.
Failure of the Jesus bolt quickly gives a helicopter the same
aerodynamic properties enjoyed by the common household brick.  These
same gentlemen also proved that a bumblebee cannot fly.  In my talk
this evening, I'll ignore their error concerning the bee and focus
on their correct assessment of helicopter aerodynamics.
(Dan)

When the Jesus Nut goes, *everything* goes!  (Applies to Hueys)
(Jeffrey)
	

Thawing relations:
What's the difference between an eastern block helicopter and a NATO one?
Eastern block Helicopters have ejection seats
(Joseph)


A popular definition:

A friend of mine who flew SH-3's (Sea Kings) described his job to me as 'keeping 30,000 rivets flying in close formation.'
(Jeff)
A million parts rotating rapidly around an oil leak waiting for metal fatigue to set in.
(Kevin) 
A bunch of rotating parts flying in close formation.
(Phil)


These are great:

   Q:  what's the cheapest way to get a helicopter?
   A:  buy an acre of land and wait!

I've also heard of a helicopter referred to as 
    "an unnatural form of levitation"   

On rotorcraft reliability:

"when was the last time you went to an antique helicopter fly-in?"
(Andrew)


Real life experiences:

The first time I got in a Huey (1971), there was a pile of boxes marked "Ejection Seat" on one side in hand-lettering and "C-4" stenciled on the other side.  It
 was easy to see which side of the slick a person entered 
from :-).
(Larry)


A former huey pilot  thought that if he ever lost his rotor mast at high-enough altitude, he'd take his helmet off and put it on backwards, drop his
pants, sit on the cyclic,  and let the accident board try to explain it.
(Paul)


A Chief at my air station, referring to the prominent tail rotor warnings 
painted on the tail booms of our HH-52As, remarked that he refused to 
fly aboard anything that said "DANGER - KEEP AWAY" on it.
(Geoff)


When I was in Naval Flight Training:  I was taxiing a T-2 out to the runway
when a Huey came in to NAS Chase, Beeville, TX on a training hop.  Somebody
got on the ground frequency and said:  "Ground, what is that AWFULL NOISE???".
I almost died laughing.
(John)


I was doing my water survival training off North Island, CA, and we came
to the part where we jumped over the side of a small landing craft and an
SH-3 came out to pick us up.  AS I was in the hoist, about 100 feet over 
the water and nearing the helo, I looked up at this roaring machine
upon which my life was now depending, and saw a steady stream of red
hydraulic fluid running aft along the boat hull before pouring off into
space.  Once I was aboard, I shouted this information into the ear of
the crewman.  His eyes widened and he cast himself on the deck of the a/c
to look at the belly.  I saw his eyes scan from aft forward, then up
into the rotor head, then he crawled back aboard and put my mind at
ease with these words: "Naw, that's okay, it always does that.  It's when
it's _not_ leaking that we worry, 'cuz it's empty then."

I was a lot happier once we were ashore.
(Jeff)


At Barbers Point we (the fixed-wing types) called the HH-52As
"ramp roaches."  (To the helo guys, our -130s were "bleed-air
blimps.")

Also in a Coast Guard vein, it was said that the Grumman HU-16
Albatross (6 still in service at that time, all at CGAS Cape Cod)
didn't actually fly, but was simply so noisy that it scared the
ground out from underneath itself.
(Geoff)


And finally a drinking one.

Drinker:
        Barman do you have any helicopter flavoured crisps
Barman:
        No sir, we only have PLANE

(o.k. so it's not that funny, but I had to put up with it for about half a year
whilst I was working in a student's bar.)
(Gary)


They were all great.  Thanks!  GP