Article: 731 of rec.aviation.ifr
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Message-ID: <20@aic.win.net>
Reply-To: rgcole@aic.win.net (Robert G. Cole)
From: rgcole@aic.win.net (Robert G. Cole)
Date: Tue, 27 Jul 1993 19:43:36 GMT
Subject: Humor in Flying
Lines: 125

While recently perusing a national publication (which shall remain
nameless), I came upon a collection of those witticisms that best
describes flying as the activity it truly is: the application of
that malevolent of all statutes, Murphy's Law, and its insidious
inclusion in flying techniques.  I have not reprinted all of the
items as many had to do with commercial operations, which I felt
might best be left out for this forum. 

While much of what is repeated below will make you smile or laugh,
the truisms behind the humor say a lot for this activity we all
participate in. 

The credit for the thoughts and humor belongs to the original
authors, none of whom I know or can attribute the proper accolade. 
All of the blame and criticisms for errors, rewording, sexism and
omissions lies squarely with myself.  With apologies to all I give
you. . . . 

                        RULES FOR PILOTS

*       Flying is not dangerous, crashing is dangerous.

*       The sharpest pilots are the easiest to work with.

*       Any pilot who does not privately consider him/herself the
             best in the game is in the wrong game. 

*       Trust your pilot - but keep your seatbelt securely fastened.

*       A pilot hates studying manuals, it takes his/her mind off
             him/herself. 

*       Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel
             like a boy, but not for one who still is.

*       A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when
             he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

*       In the old days, flying was dangerous and sex was safe;
             now it's the other way around. 

*       A copilot is a dummy until he spots opposite direction
             traffic, after which he is a goof-off for not seeing it
             sooner. 

*       An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't
             surprise him. 

*       Standard checklist practice requires pilots to read
             procedures used frequently, and recite from memory
             those needed once every five years. 

*       A comment about how well things are going is a guarantee of
             trouble. 

*       The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.

*       There are three rules for making a smooth landing.
             Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

*       The longer the trip, the greater the odds of having an
             inoperative autopilot. 

*       Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the
             Brooklyn Bridge; If he relies on winds-aloft reports he
             can be sold Niagara Falls. 

*       Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase
             headwinds. 

*       A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears
             on the outside.  It's worse.

*       A thunderstorm is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."

*       One hole in the overcast is better than 10 published
             approaches. 

*       If it's lousy here, it's probably good where you are going.

*       When a forecaster talks about yesterday's weather, he's a
             historian; when he talks about tomorrow's, he's reading
             tea leaves. 

*       The more urgent the arrival time, the greater the chances of
             arriving four hours late. 

*       The level at which turbulence will be encountered can be
             determined using this formula:
             assigned altitude minus 500 feet. 

*       The more traffic at an airport, the smoother it flows.

*       Deregulation moved the bus station to the airport and
             offered two ways to fly: first class and third world.

*       Matched luggage since deregulation:
             Three shopping bags from the same Wal-Mart.

*       If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway that
             caused an accident, the NTSB would find a way to blame
             it on pilot error. 

*       An NTSB investigation is conducted by non flying experts who
             take six months to itemize all the mistakes made by a
             pilot that had six minutes to do anything. 

*       Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a
             fireplug what it thinks about dogs. 

*       A control tower tape that supports your version will be
             "accidentally erased." 

*       Federal Aviation Regulations are worded either by the most
             stupid lawyers in Washington, or the sharpest.

*       An EIR (enforcement investigation report) combines the
             efficiency of the Post Office with the charm of the
             IRS. 

*       Crime wouldn't pay if the FAA took it over.

*       Everything in the manuals - regulations, policy, warnings,
             the works - can be summed up as follows: 
             "Captain, it's your baby."

____________________________________________________________________________
Robert G. Cole                          Internet:       rgcole@aic.win.net
Automation Integration Corp.            CIS UserID:     71650,3223
2537-D Pacific COast Highway #453       Voice:          (310) 600-3557
Torrance, CA.   90505                   FAX:            (310) 377-8788
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